nkruger
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Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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TheBramble
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I'm trying to find a joke posted here a while back about bank turmoil in Japan. If anyone can give me a pointer.
TIA
TIA
Start at post #1 and work methodically through in sequential order until you find it.
Of course, if it has been deleted you will eventually arrive back here at post # 1087 whereupon you will then go back to post #1 and start all over again.
Joke !!!!!
new_trader
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TheBramble
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Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President ?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President ?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."
fibonelli
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Osama releases new video to prove he is alive!
Osama Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he is still alive.
He said ' The England Rugby team where f@^"ing sh!t on Saturday.'
British Intelligence have dismissed it saying 'It could have been record at any time in the last 4 years'.
Osama Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he is still alive.
He said ' The England Rugby team where f@^"ing sh!t on Saturday.'
British Intelligence have dismissed it saying 'It could have been record at any time in the last 4 years'.
Priceman
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Not so much of a joke but didn't know where to put it. Great thoughts in this greedy, hasty world of ours! Love and peace to one and all 
GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or not...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a penny.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin
GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or not...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a penny.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin
trendie
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from http://www.null-hypothesis.co.uk/
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts ? for support rather
than illumination.”
Andrew Lang
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I once cheated on a metaphysics exam. I looked deep into the soul of the
student beside me”.
Woody Allen
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts ? for support rather
than illumination.”
Andrew Lang
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I once cheated on a metaphysics exam. I looked deep into the soul of the
student beside me”.
Woody Allen
trendie
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http://www.emofree.com/Humor/chasing-rabbits.htm
CHASING RABBITS
The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming."
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Author Unknown
CHASING RABBITS
The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming."
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Author Unknown
trendie
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/
select "Comedy and Quizzes".
then select "That Mitchell and Webb Sound".
brilliant! especially the opening sketch about the computer problem.
select "Comedy and Quizzes".
then select "That Mitchell and Webb Sound".
brilliant! especially the opening sketch about the computer problem.
nkruger
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hey trendie - there's a few others on that same BBC radio website that are well worth a listen IMHO, I'm sorry I haven't got a clue and Down the Line with Gary Bellamy.
nkruger
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Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating seatmate who keeps
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?
Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop and open it.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath
6. Open the following web address:
http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf
talking to you and snooping at everything you are reading?
Next time just follow these simple instructions, and get ready to
enjoy your well-earned privacy:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop and open it.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the annoying guy can clearly see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky - take a very deep
breath
6. Open the following web address:
http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b**tard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b**tard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b**tard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b**tard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b**tard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b**tard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
