Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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Pat494
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- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
- They’d find me attractive by now
- Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
- Too many cheetahs
- What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
- A roamin’ Catholic
- Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
- One was assaulted
- What do you call a fat psychic?
- A four chin teller
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating
- I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
- A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
- So I gave him a glass of water
- I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
- I lost my case
- What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?
- Hop in
- What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
- A flat miner
- If you give an alligator a GPS
- Does that make it a navigator?
- How do trees get online?
- They just log in
- What do you call a singing laptop?
- A Dell
- Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
- Because it’s always spotted
- I don’t know what Armageddon means
- So what? It’s not the end of the world
- I’ve been told I’m condescending
- (That means talking down to people)
- What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
- A Maybe
- Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
- You can get thinner there
- How do you get two whales in a car?
- Start in England and drive west
- Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
- He’ll dessert you
- What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
- Mice Krispies
- What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
- The purrpatrator
- I went bobsleighing the other day
- And I managed to kill 250 bobs
- People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
- But people in Abu Dhabi do!
- You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
- But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?
Nowler
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Karma
J Livermore
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Q: Why should ghosts never tell lies?
A: Because people can see right through them!
A: Because people can see right through them!
WalletInvestor
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What's the difference between a nun and a woman sitting in a bathtub?
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.
One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.
True word!
counter_violent
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alan5616
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This is not a joke but, I found it funny.
A friend of a friend has a sister, who is a teacher in the Newcastle area. At present, their local Morrisons are doing a special deal for teachers, offering them a 10% discount on their shopping.
When she got to check out to claim the discount, she was asked if she could give proof that she was a teacher. Her reply was priceless "I've bought a bottle of gin, three bottles of wine and a meal to be cooked in a microwave, does that give you a clue?" She got her 10% discount
A friend of a friend has a sister, who is a teacher in the Newcastle area. At present, their local Morrisons are doing a special deal for teachers, offering them a 10% discount on their shopping.
When she got to check out to claim the discount, she was asked if she could give proof that she was a teacher. Her reply was priceless "I've bought a bottle of gin, three bottles of wine and a meal to be cooked in a microwave, does that give you a clue?" She got her 10% discount
J Livermore
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Financial humor:
What’s the definition of a long term investor?
A trader whose stock pick didn’t work out.
The best way to end up with a million dollars
trading options is to start with two million.
Old traders never die. They just get God’s margin call.
What’s the definition of a long term investor?
A trader whose stock pick didn’t work out.
The best way to end up with a million dollars
trading options is to start with two million.
Old traders never die. They just get God’s margin call.
Atilla
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International English
In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
C
cantagril
My own experience from a hotel in Japan:
GUESTS MUST MAKE SMALL NOISE IN THE ROOM - they weren't specific so I just used my imagination, and also from the same hotel:
GUESTS MUST NOT WEAR PYJAMAS IN THE DINING ROOM - needless to say, I felt swindled and this took the shine off the whole experience.
And, not only but also, more of the same from Gerard Hoffnung (The Bricklayer chap)
GUESTS MUST MAKE SMALL NOISE IN THE ROOM - they weren't specific so I just used my imagination, and also from the same hotel:
GUESTS MUST NOT WEAR PYJAMAS IN THE DINING ROOM - needless to say, I felt swindled and this took the shine off the whole experience.
And, not only but also, more of the same from Gerard Hoffnung (The Bricklayer chap)
