Best Thread Joke of the day
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Dinos
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I was stood at the bar the other and said to the guy next "You know you can tell a lot about a guy by the beer he drinks".
"Really", he replied, "So what do you make of me"
"Your a c*nt, I said"
"Really, what makes you say that" he asked.
"Thats my f*cking beer your drinking"
"Really", he replied, "So what do you make of me"
"Your a c*nt, I said"
"Really, what makes you say that" he asked.
"Thats my f*cking beer your drinking"
Last edited:
Atilla
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TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Eployee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Eployee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Atilla
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ELEMENT: Women.
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg.
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no kown reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Not to be disclosed without prior notification.
SYMBOL: Wo.
DISCOVERER: Adam.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg.
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no kown reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
Not to be disclosed without prior notification.
Sonicscooter
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brilliant......
Atilla
Legendary member
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- 4,028
‘I thought Polonius was an intruder’ Hamlet tells prosecution
The Prince of Denmark has told his murder trial that his future father-in-law, Polonius did not scream or shout as he took his sword and stabbed him through the arras.
Prosecutor, Jens Neilsen said it was ‘improbable’ that he would stand behind the arras and say nothing while the Prince was just a few feet away ranting like a ‘madman’ in his mother’s closet. Hamlet said he could not explain why Polonius had not shouted out.
The Prince, 29, denies murder saying the killing was a terrible accident. He admits killing Polonius but says he stabbed him after mistaking him for an intruder. He believed that he had been in a different wing of the castle when he grabbed his sword, made his way to the arras and thrust the weapon through it.
The prosecution says he deliberately killed him after he found him eavesdropping.
He asked why he had not checked whether it was Polonius before he took the decision to stab him. Hamlet said it was his ‘personality’ to confront what he believed was an intruder.
Neighbours reported hearing a scream and the words, ‘O, I am slain’ but cannot confirm if this was actually Polonius or a piece of ham acting on behalf of the Prince himself.
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2014/04/17/i-thought-polonius-was-an-intruder-hamlet-tells-prosecution/
The Prince of Denmark has told his murder trial that his future father-in-law, Polonius did not scream or shout as he took his sword and stabbed him through the arras.
Prosecutor, Jens Neilsen said it was ‘improbable’ that he would stand behind the arras and say nothing while the Prince was just a few feet away ranting like a ‘madman’ in his mother’s closet. Hamlet said he could not explain why Polonius had not shouted out.
The Prince, 29, denies murder saying the killing was a terrible accident. He admits killing Polonius but says he stabbed him after mistaking him for an intruder. He believed that he had been in a different wing of the castle when he grabbed his sword, made his way to the arras and thrust the weapon through it.
The prosecution says he deliberately killed him after he found him eavesdropping.
He asked why he had not checked whether it was Polonius before he took the decision to stab him. Hamlet said it was his ‘personality’ to confront what he believed was an intruder.
Neighbours reported hearing a scream and the words, ‘O, I am slain’ but cannot confirm if this was actually Polonius or a piece of ham acting on behalf of the Prince himself.
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2014/04/17/i-thought-polonius-was-an-intruder-hamlet-tells-prosecution/
SlowlyButSurely
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Didn't really know where to put this but found it hilarious so figured this was a good spot. If you guys fancy a laugh check out this fella that runs a training place in London:
https://twitter.com/IAmJoshante/media
https://twitter.com/IAmJoshante/media
