galeonbaster
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Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?" and she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."
Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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Joseff
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
The trailer for the "sequel" to "The King's Speech".....................
http://youtu.be/SnxNnJYziMY
http://youtu.be/SnxNnJYziMY
Could it be true.....................?
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. 25 years ago parking fees were introduced and were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7.00 for buses.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up. So the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant must have been a city employee as he had never been on their payroll. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll either.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France is a man who'd apparently installed a ticket machine in the parking lot completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds ....... and the classic hook to this story is that no one even knows his name!
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. 25 years ago parking fees were introduced and were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7.00 for buses.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up. So the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant must have been a city employee as he had never been on their payroll. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll either.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France is a man who'd apparently installed a ticket machine in the parking lot completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds ....... and the classic hook to this story is that no one even knows his name!
Pat494
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Re: One for KemoSabby
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
Atilla
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Pat494
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Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passes over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passes over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Joules MM1
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Joseff
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Joseff
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1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle.Baby - Major concerns
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pat494
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There was an English woman who found herself sitting next to a hot-shot U.S.lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the woman wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the woman could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the woman reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the woman handed him $5. then the woman asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The woman put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the woman handed him $5.
The moral of the story is he should have checked if she really was a real blonde or not, before challenging her to a game of wits !
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the woman handed him $5. then the woman asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The woman put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the woman handed him $5.
The moral of the story is he should have checked if she really was a real blonde or not, before challenging her to a game of wits !
Gabrial
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his ***** in the mommy’s ******. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his ***** in the mommy’s ******. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Joseff
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You will love this one:
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..
John_Betong
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Sex on Venus
It's the year 2069, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Venus. While surveying Venus they find evidence of "life as we know it" and land to make First Contact.
Sure enough, there's a race of advanced beings there and the two races exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.
"How do you reproduce?" one of the Earthling NASA astronauts asks.
The Venusians are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up and starts running around looking for its first meal.
"Amazing!" exclaim the Earthlings.
"So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it" ask the aliens?
The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Venusians are rapt with interested attention.
When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. "Where is the child" they ask? "Or was the mating a failure"?
"Well", says the commander, "we don't find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn't show up for nine months after conception".
"Nine months" asks the incredulous alien leader? "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end"?
It's the year 2069, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Venus. While surveying Venus they find evidence of "life as we know it" and land to make First Contact.
Sure enough, there's a race of advanced beings there and the two races exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.
"How do you reproduce?" one of the Earthling NASA astronauts asks.
The Venusians are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up and starts running around looking for its first meal.
"Amazing!" exclaim the Earthlings.
"So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it" ask the aliens?
The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Venusians are rapt with interested attention.
When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. "Where is the child" they ask? "Or was the mating a failure"?
"Well", says the commander, "we don't find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn't show up for nine months after conception".
"Nine months" asks the incredulous alien leader? "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end"?
