Best Thread Joke of the day
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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A couple realise that they are spending far more than they earn every week so they decide to go through the bills.
"Look at this!!", says the wife, "£16 a week on bloody lager!! That has to go for starters".
"What about this then?", says the husband. "£25 a week on makeup!!".
"But I need the makeup to make me look young and attractive for you" explains the wife.
To which the husband shouts...
"That’s what the f**king lager was for!!!"
"Look at this!!", says the wife, "£16 a week on bloody lager!! That has to go for starters".
"What about this then?", says the husband. "£25 a week on makeup!!".
"But I need the makeup to make me look young and attractive for you" explains the wife.
To which the husband shouts...
"That’s what the f**king lager was for!!!"
Ambrose Ackroyd
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London, has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he’s won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel in the United Kingdom.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London, has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he’s won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a motel in the United Kingdom.
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with computer technical support.
Atilla
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Atilla
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What’s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What’s it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Ambrose Ackroyd
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the " Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows.
His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?!
You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the " Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour’s bedroom windows.
His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?!
You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Ambrose Ackroyd
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A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !
The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TO5SER !
They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.
If only women would listen.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !
The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TO5SER !
They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.
If only women would listen.
Hoggums
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Unrest in Dubai
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do'
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do'
Pat494
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A smallish but significant problem has arisen in Tahirr square in Cairo during the protests. When you get a million people in a confined area not just for hours but days at a time then if the call of nature really comes on apace it can become a problem.
If Mubarak wins his aide said they might rename it ...
Sh*tin square
On hearing this the protestors said their preferred new name would be Sh*t-on-Mubarak square when they win
If Mubarak wins his aide said they might rename it ...
Sh*tin square
On hearing this the protestors said their preferred new name would be Sh*t-on-Mubarak square when they win
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt.
No more online pyramid schemes then?
No more online pyramid schemes then?
Ambrose Ackroyd
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So the government of Egypt has blocked all internet access.
The country can now be renamed gypt.
The country can now be renamed gypt.
Pat494
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A smallish but significant problem has arisen in Tahirr square in Cairo during the protests. When you get a million people in a confined area not just for hours but days at a time then if the call of nature really comes on apace it can become a problem.
If Mubarak wins his aide said they might rename it ...
Sh*tin square
On hearing this the protestors said their preferred new name would be Sh*t-on-Mubarak square when they win
When news of all this ammunition being mass produced the cops took fright and disappeared.
westernforce
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Someone came to the house the other day collecting money for the Egypt Riot Victims.
I said I wasn't interested as it was probably just a pyramid scheme.
I said I wasn't interested as it was probably just a pyramid scheme.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Have you ever wondered if one of the notes in your wallet was ever in a stripper’s butt crack?
Ambrose Ackroyd
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husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"
She says, "I’d take half then leave you."
"Excellent" he replies, "I won £10 - here’s £5 - now f**k off!"
She says, "I’d take half then leave you."
"Excellent" he replies, "I won £10 - here’s £5 - now f**k off!"
montmorencyt2w
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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Pat494
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Documents just leaked have revealed that on hearing the news from the CIA that the people in the Middle East were revolting, Hillary ordered up 100 tons of soap to send as a goodwill present. The Boss was said to be delighted that the team were so much "on stream" with events around the world.
