Best Thread Joke of the day
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Atilla
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Attilla
Worst joke I've heard in a long while... LOL
Thanks Attilla - Damn hard to think up good original jokes I reckon. Perhaps I should revert back to nicking jokes from the best of the rest
It was one of those joke that is funny by virtue of being so bad... :cheesy:
What do you get if you dial 666?
Australian emergency services...
Atilla
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What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
ALL TOGETHER NOW: A woolly jumper :cheesy:
But who also knows these...
What do you get if you cross a leopard with a sheep and a kangaroo?
A spotted woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a penguin with a sheep and a kangaroo?
A black and white woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a mink?
A fur jumper with pockets.
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
A milky baa kid.
What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice cream?
Aston Villa - and they always get licked
What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pooh. :clap:
What do you get if you cross a cat with a chemist's?
Puss in Boots...
Now I've set the bar let's see you beat it...
ALL TOGETHER NOW: A woolly jumper :cheesy:
But who also knows these...
What do you get if you cross a leopard with a sheep and a kangaroo?
A spotted woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a penguin with a sheep and a kangaroo?
A black and white woolly jumper.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a mink?
A fur jumper with pockets.
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?
A milky baa kid.
What do you get if you cross a football team with an ice cream?
Aston Villa - and they always get licked
What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Pooh. :clap:
What do you get if you cross a cat with a chemist's?
Puss in Boots...
Now I've set the bar let's see you beat it...
Atilla
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Ahem
That's really scraping the bottom of the barrel
And which one is your original ?
Q. Whatya get if you cross a leopard with a policeman ?
A. Spotted Dick ( or was it pr*ck , can't remember )
Playground jokes... Have got two - so I get to hear lots of em...
Some stay with you. What do you call a quiete bee?
A mumble bee...
Ambrose Ackroyd
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f’. This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v’.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f’. This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v’.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines in the UK, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
Male Procedure
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off
Female Procedure
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
Male Procedure
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off
Female Procedure
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake
Pat494
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There is this guy who has invented very close fitting suits for the theatre play. He rings up "Shall I bring along my skin suits today, " he asks the manager.
"How many have you got" says the manager.
"Four "
"Well don't bring 'em here", he says " this is a nice Jewish family theatre"
"How many have you got" says the manager.
"Four "
"Well don't bring 'em here", he says " this is a nice Jewish family theatre"
HawkTrader
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Darling, be a sweetheart and pass me the hairdryer please ......
Ambrose Ackroyd
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LIE, you basta*rd, LIE
Ambrose Ackroyd
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HOW TO SPOT A RICH GUY
HawkTrader
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a “curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says: “I now pronounce you man and wife”.
The Wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says: “I now pronounce you man and wife”.
