Pound foolish
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* What's the capital of Iceland ? - About £3.50
* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
* Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon
*What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
*As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Q What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
*A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
*The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
*Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
You know it's a credit crunch when...
• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'
* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
* Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon
*What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
*As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Q What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
*A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
*The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
*Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
You know it's a credit crunch when...
• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'
