Best Thread Joke of the day

Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be
successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One
day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three
interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and
was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came
the reply. He did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" "Well," she said, stammerig, "you have no
ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was
handsome and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear
contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an
incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*cking ears!"

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Who says men do not have a sensitive side.

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,

she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the
floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him...

they kiss...

and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says..



(scroll down it's a beauty)

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

dude walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to buy a half head of lettuce. The boi working in that department tells him they only sell whole heads of lettuce. The man insists that the boi asks his manager about the matter

walking into the back room, the boi says to the manager "some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce"

as he finished his sentence he turned to find the dude standing right behind him...

so he quickly added "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half"

the manager approved the deal and the dude went on his way. Later the manager said to the boi "I was impressed the way yuo got yuorself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are yuo from, son?"

"Canada, sir," replied the boi

"well, why did yuo leave Canada?"

boi replies "sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there"

"really?" said the manager. "my wife is from Canada"

"no ****?!" replied the boi, "who'd she play for?"

- Car Key Boi

that's my joke
have you been breaking into my cracker box ?

I suppose that means you must be an arcadian ?

its meant to be about Essex whores and football !

haha, so it is, nah i didn't crack into anything. That jokes been doing the rounds all across the whole of the internet and now it come full circle, congrats

this is good one

>>>>A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female
>>>>teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
>>>>thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see
the
>>>
>>>>horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was
>>>>decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go
>>>
>>>>with the other.
>>>>
>>>>The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
>>>>when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
>>>>reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
>>>>with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by
>>>>one
>>>>As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually
>>>>well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
>>>>said, "You must be in the 3rd grade."
>>>>
>>>>No, ma'am, he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
4th,
>>>>but thanks for the lift."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"some chickens, Jes"

"if I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give yuo both of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away

"where do yuo live?" asked the operator

Bubba replies "at the end of Eucalyptus Drive "

the operator asked "can yuo spell that for me?"

after a long pause, Bubba said, "how 'bout i drag her over to Oak
Street and yuo pick her up there?"

why are blokes like cool bags?
load then with beer and you can take them anywhere

why are blokes like high heels?
theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it

why are blokes like used cars?
both are easy to get,cheap,and unreliable

what have you got if you have 100 blokes buried upto their necks in sand?
not enough sand

whats a blokes idea of a romantic evening?
a candlelit football stadium,

what are a womans four favourite animals?
a mink in the wardrobe,a jaguar in the garage,a tiger in the bedroom,and an ass who will pay for it all,

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.


I'm bored. when do the markets open in the far east ?

shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
> abrand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
> young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie,
> leans out the window and asks the shepherd...
> "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
> give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
> looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, Sure. Why not?"
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
> it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
> calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
> location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
> in an ultra-high-resolution photo. They young man then opens the digital
> photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
> Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
> that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
> MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds
> of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
> Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
> prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
> LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly
> 1586 sheep".
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
> shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
> amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
> Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
> what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man
> thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?".
> "You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that"?
> "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
> though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
> knew, to a question I never asked; and you know jack sh*t about my
> business... "
> " ... Now give me back my dog"
>

The Perfect Detective

a joke if i may

the perfect detective

a man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone.A few days later , he received this report:
MOST HONARABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE

this dude from Ohio wakes up one morning and hears a little voice say, "Quit yuor job, sell yuor house, take all yuor money and go to Las Vegas!"

dude shakes it off and goes to work. All day long though, everytime things are quiet, the guy hears a little voice say, "Quit yuor job, sell yuor house, take all yuor money and go to Las Vegas!"

this goes on for 3 days. Finally, the guy quits his job, sells his house, cashes in his stocks and 401K and flies out to Las Vegas

he lands in Vegas and says, "Now what?" The little voice says, "Take a cab to the Mirage." So the guy goes to the Mirage

"Now what?", he asks. "Put all yuor money on Red at the Roulette table.", the little voice says

dude puts all his $'s on Red, the dealer spins and it comes up black

"Fcuk..." says the little voice

- Car Key Boi

http://carkeyboi.com/dump/voicemail-exgurlfriend.wav

hehe....

A guys in a pub with a mate after work and they are enjoying a good few beers. The guy turns to his friend and slurs: "damn, I told my wife that I was only going for a quiet beer and look at me....i'm hammered". Moments later he is sick all down his shirt.
He turns to his friend and says "ishhhh....i been sick!....'hicupp'.."
His friend replies: "Dont worry. Take this 20pound note and stick it in your top pocket...then when your wife sees the mess down your top you can tell her that some drunkard was sick on you in the pub, but that he gave you the money to get your shurt cleaned.."
The man likes the idea and stumbled home to his wife.
"Oh my god!.....what the hell ahve you been doing?! you said you were going for one drink!!!"
"Its ok baby....it washn't me....some drunkard was sick on me but he gave me the 20pound note in my top pocket to get my shirt cleaned"....replied the man
"Oh,....but theres two 20pound notes in your top pocket..."observed his wife
"Yeah,...he shat in my pants aswell"

Moth?

Bloke walks into the doctor's and says
"Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

The doctor says "You don't need a doctor, you need a psychiatrist - why did you come here?"

"I was just passing and saw the light on"

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes
and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Tango," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"














The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

>>
>>Subject: Rules of Manhood
>>
>>
>> "You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to
>>climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent
>>entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend."
>> >
>> > Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>> >
>> > It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>> > a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>> > b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>> > c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>> > d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>> > e. When she is using her teeth
>> >
>> > Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
>>eaten by his mates.
>> >
>> > Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of
>>jail within 12 hours.
>> >
>> > If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits
>>forever, unless you actually marry her.
>> >
>> > Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
>>Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>> >
>> > No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man.
>>In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
>> >
>> > On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>>weakest.
>> >
>> > When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask
>>the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>> >
>> > It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>>sunning
>>on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
>>it's
>>free.
>> >
>> > Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick
>>another bloke in the nuts.
>> >
>> > Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>> >
>> > Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>> >
>> > If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>> >
>> > Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>>until
>>they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
as
>>the other sports watchers.
>> >
>> > A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
>>sober enough to fight.
>> >
>> > Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but
>>not both - that's just mean.
>> >
>> > If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>>about
>>his choice of beer.
>> >
>> > Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except
>>if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>> >
>> > Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>> > a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>> > b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>> > c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>> >
>> > Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>> > Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an
>>almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>> >
>> > Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
>>you
>>are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
>>necessary.
>> >
>> > The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
>>carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is
>>no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
>>mistake it was.
>> >
>> > It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her
>>to
>>drive yours.
>> >
>> > Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
>>orange
>>or sky blue.
>> >
>> > The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
>>with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
>> >
>> >