C
cablemonster
I've been to a few of these broker presentations. You know what it's like you open an a/c and no sooner than done you're getting a call from some spotty faced youth who called himself a dealer ! A dealer !? Well this particular time the phone rang and Id just settled down with a John Grisham and a 1/4 of werthers originals so I wasn't best pleased...He said it's Kent from - well let's leave that out to spare any blushes..' Kent ! ' I said that's not a name - it's a cricket team...anyways he said is that bbmac ? I said well if it isn't this thermal body vest's a remarkably good fit ...He continued - 'We'd like to invite you to our offices for a presentation yada yadda...on Tuesday at 6pm. Well I was quite pushed busy wise that week as Mr Shufflebottom from Flat 9 was going thru to Little Wellinghampton to see his elderly aunt - she has a skin complaint and has to sit in a darkened room eating peanuts for 3mths so she's a little depressed and I said I'd do with him and read her the short story from this week's People's Friend via torch light, but I thought if he gets a jiggle on we could be back in time. He has changed his Vauxhall for a Kia - on account of a more favourable cubic capacity. So, I said I'd be there and rang off. (Between you and I I think Mr Shufflebottom's got designs on her Royal Doulton China and nest of 3 tables - but I keep well buttoned.) Tuesday came and after spending 1hr on British rail awlking the length of bredth of the train with a paper bag with a cold sausage and a a paper cup of coffee in it I arrived and and mingling. I was with a few others waiting for said presentation to start making small talk...I was stood next to a 'robust' looking chap who introduced himself as Bob and said he'd been high up in sewage for 20 years - I thought that's lucky ! I noticed he had a limp on his left side as he excused himself to use the 'gents.' When he came back he made a beeline and sat next to me - I don't know what he'd been doing in there but there was a terrible whiff of pear drops hanging around all thru the presentation.
Next thing I knew the music started the lights dimmed and a screen dropped out of the ceiling - I thought well this is exciting...I think it was 'Fanfare for the Common man' by Emmerson Lake and Palmer and it seemed a little over done for the wretched creature that sidled in 20 minutes late amusing himself with one of those laser pens they have at presentations as if it was the 1st time he'd seen one. He proceeded to try and impress us with his so called oscillators and pinbars -but I see the world for what it is after 10 years with cmc ! He continued dribbling on for the next 30 mins or so and by this stage I was eyeing the finger buffet in the corner. 'Any question's ' he asked at the end of a presentation so dull even the newbies had stopped taking notes and the mice had long since thrown themslves on the traps. ' Yes ' I said - 'is that salmon paste organic ' He looked at his screen - I think he thought I was talkinmg aboiut some new fangled oscimawhatsit or something...'Err yes I think so 'he answered - displaying all the conviction of a barron couple at the foster clinic being shown 3 ginger headed twins. 'Any other questions' he enquired - 'Are those custards or a Merange ' a voice from the back uttered...no you're not wrong he replied - they are custards...From this I concluded that he was either Scottish of birth and had it well hidden or had lost interest himself by this stage. Well what can you expect ?
A few stayed behind at the end to partake - me included and we were ushered nay herded to the outside patio area 'for the sake of the smokers.' They had one of those patio heaters there and I swaer I suffered 3rd degree burns to the keft side of my face whilst the right side stayed at a sturdy -2 degrees for the 30mins we were out there. Bob was still hanging around and made for me again - 'Do you mind if I smoke' he said ' Not a bit of it' I said and continued 'but If I come down with bronchitus - will you stump up for the bed jacket' - which I think hit home as his yellow tipped fingers placed the offending stick back in his top pocket aside 3 pens one of which had a chewed end. I was surprised that there was no big close -Gollum had long since sidled back to middle earth this time without a musical relish- probably to some kind of oxygen tent - a sickly looking girl who really should make more of an effort to get more fresh air handed us a 'brochure pack' as she called it on the way out. I asked her if they were all the same price or did they just vary in amount and this seemed to fox her - she thought for a while and said that they were 'compriamentary' which I took to me complimentary / free ! I was surprised to notice on the way out through recpetion that they had a piece of modern art proudly displated - entitled 'despair' (there's rich I thought.) I thought it had a look of Stanley Matthews about it - but I kept mum. As I was lkeaving I could hear Bob telling another victim he was stalking that he had holidayed in Marbella and that there were miles of golden beaches - I thought that's strange because last time I was there it was all shale broken glass, and dog dirt...but I let it pass and made for the train station, clutching my brochure pack.
:clap: made me chuckle, my sides hurt now. I have visions of your falling out of linekers bar in puerto banus onto broken glass. hacket top on, blood stained.
