Best Thread Joke of the day

[jezza888]

What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?
Fathers Day!

How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!

What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.

What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.

Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What do you say to a chav at work?
Can i have a big mac please?

How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?
She is the most pregnant one.

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter!

 

[G-Man]

James Bond walkes into a bar and sits himself down at the bar next to the most attractive woman there.

He orders his usual and begins staring at his watch. This begins to annoy the butsy brunette next to him so she asks him, "What are you doing?".

"I have been given this new watch by Q", replied 007, "which provides me with whatever information is most important to me at the current time".

Curious, the brunette asks, "So what is it telling you now?"

"Well", said the king of spies, "it is telling me you aren't wearing any underwear". Giggling the brunette replies, "It must be broken then 'cause I'm Ralph Lauren knickers right now!"

Bond glances again at his watch. "Damn Q", he exclaims, "bloody thing is an hour fast!!"

 

[frugi]

Happy Easter

 

[trendie]

How many Efficient Market Theorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None.
If the lightbulb needed changing, the market would have already changed it.

( from my complimentary Finspreads magazine, spreadtrader )

 

[frugi]

http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e...8af6fe470046bcbf242100fd96be53-197623590-S3-1

 

[neil]

ouch - Frugi

Happy Easter

Klangers eat rabbits :!: :cheesy:

 

[TheBramble]

For the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."



"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.




He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.




Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor




A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!






A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN





Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.





Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.





Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.





Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.





Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.





Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.





Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

 

[CJIA]

Two women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Gin and Tonic.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither one of them had anything to wipe with. One of the women thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!
"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a**e that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

 

[TheBramble]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

 

[kriesau]

Health Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption following the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that all of the men tested

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Pointedly refused to apologize when clearly wrong.

QED: No further testing is planned.

 

[kriesau]

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of crap

WINE........However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine because it has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Therefore -:

WATER = CRAP
WINE = NO CRAP

Free yourself from imbibing CRAP...........DRINK WINE !!!


Adopt this Motto: "It is better to drink wine and talk crap than to drink water and be full of crap !".

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am just passing it on as a public service.

 

[wasp]

Mad

click and open to work....

 

[blackcab]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

If he gets stuck, drag him with the mouse.

 

[kriesau]

So, are we all doomed or going into heaven anyway?

The above was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term paper.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some such variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First of all we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
There is more than one religion and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as further souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct. This only leaves Heaven and thereby this proves the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept on shouting "Oh my God."

That answer is definitely worthy of a Ph.D !

 

[kriesau]

This one really is a serious cause for concern ! :cheesy: :cheesy:

Health Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a close look at their beer consumption following the results of a recent analysis that revealed, for the very first time, the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer could ultimately turn men into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men tested

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making any sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Were incapable of thinking rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Pointedly refused to apologize when clearly wrong.

Since the results appear to be quite conclusive no further testing is planned.

 

[kriesau]

This will make you cringe !

Far away in the beautifull tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large and mysterious Cod suddenly appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Absolutely horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the very mysterious Cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the Cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn once again.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark",came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me"

Christian replied," No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll certainly not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've really changed..............

(Get Ready For The Punchline - It's Bad ! - You will REALLY cringe !!)

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........I've found Cod and I'm now a Prawn again Christian" .

 

[oatman]

Rooney Fitness Doubt for World Cup

:cheesy:

 

[TheBramble]

What do you give a man who's got everything?










Penicillin...

 

[rav700]

" The impact of fomc decision on the fx and indices" hahahahha

 

[kriesau]

Office Morons

Extracts from actual Employee Performance Review Assessment Forms

Since the last report this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig

His staff would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity

Works adequately when under close supervision and cornered like a rat

This young lady has complete delusions of adequacy

He sets very low standards of personal achievement and then consistently fails to fulfil them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere, of an idiot.

Has room temperature IQ

He is so stupid that he should be watered twice a week.

The lights are still on but nobody is in.

A complete day-dreamer. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.


Some true Job Applicant interview stories

When he arrived I gave him an application form to complete. He then stretched out on the floor in front of me to fill it in.

She had a Walkman on with an earphone plugged in. When I commented upon this she said that she could listen to music and also to me at the same time.

When he arrived for the interview I noticed that he was bald. After a moment he abruptly excused himself and came back a couple of minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

She announced that due to the timing of the interview, she wouldn't have time for lunch. She then opened a bag and proceeded to eat a takeaway hamburger and fries during the interview.

He said that if he got the job he would demonstrate his loyalty to us by getting our corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

When I was interrupted by my secretary to take an urgent phone call, he opened his briefcase, took out a copy of Penthouse Magazine and started looking through the photographs. At one point he turned the magazine upright to study the centrefold.

He produced a Polaroid Camera and took a flash photo of me. He then said that he always took photographs of people who interviewed him.

During the interview an alarm went off in his briefcase. He opened it up, shut the alarm off, apologised and said that he had to go because he was late for his next interview.

He told me that he really didn't want the job but he had applied because the Social Security Office wanted proof that he was looking for one.

He asked me who the 'Babe' was, pointing to a picture by the side of my desk. When I told him it was my wife he said that he 'would really like to give HER one'.