My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."