Even though this might seem like an obviously simple point, many persons still have a deep reluctance to grasp it: Anger is a common human emotion. We all feel it. And we feel it more often than we like to admit.
But before going any further, we need to make a clear distinction between anger and feeling hurt or irritated.
We all feel hurt or irritated when someone or something obstructs our needs or desires. Anger, though, in its technical sense refers to the desire to “get even with”—that is, to take revenge on—the cause of the hurt.
For example, when another car suddenly cuts in front of you on the road, adrenaline pumps into your bloodstream. Your heart rate jumps. Your blood pressure surges. These things, however, are just immediate fight-or-flight physiological responses to a perceived threat.
But then, as a psychological reaction to these immediate physical responses, indignation and animosity toward the other driver overrun your mind. You honk your horn. You scream profanities. You give a dirty look. And there you have it: anger. Anger, therefore, is the wish for harm or bad or evil to come upon someone who—in your eyes—has injured you.
So the psychological process is clear and simple. If a person hurts you, then, in your anger, you want to hurt him back, just as you have been hurt.
Anger can also be expressed indirectly. If something like a traffic jam, for example, leaves you feeling tense and frustrated, then what do you do? Maybe you go home, find some petty thing out of order, and take it out on your family. Or maybe you go to a bar, maneuver someone into offending you, and get into a fight. Either way you vent your frustrations at the traffic jam by hurting innocent persons—after first manipulating circumstances so that you can believe in your own mind that these persons have somehow hurt you and deserve to suffer for it.
And so there are far better ways to cope with hurt and insult than with anger, because anger itself acts like a poison in your own heart that ultimately degrades the quality of your own life as much as it hurts the life of another person.
So the first step in learning a healthy response to feelings of hurt and insult is simply to acknowledge that you’re hurt.
This is not as easy as it sounds.
For example, when you get angry you don’t really allow yourself to feel your inner hurt. All you can think about is your desire to get revenge. In essence, your outbursts of rage paradoxically hide your inner feelings of vulnerability, so you never recognize the hurt you’re feeling that triggers your hostile reaction. All the bitterness and hostility is a big puff of smoke, an emotional fraud. It hardens your heart toward others so that you can seal off your own emotional pain.
So, this is the essence of Socrates advice to peto to"[m]ake a really big effort, and think deeply about all this, as deep as you can go, and see what conclusion you are able to arrive at..."