any chance you can do a weekend seminar on keying cars i need to learn the ropes after going on a weekend trading seminar which was shat and i wanna key up the shysters 20 year old Lada Riva that was fronting the seminar
Hi Spammer, below I have reproduced the copy that was originally on the carkeyboi.com FAQ page which contains a few pointers for aspiring master keyers
- Car Key Boi
madd with it
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Question: Why do you call yourself "Car Key Boi", when by your own admission, you don't actually use a key, instead you use some tool device?
Answer: I do use keys, on occasion, but it's more a matter of tradition than anything. Invariably, the words "some [asshole/cocksucker/mother****er] keyed my ****ing car" find their way into the outraged tirade of the victim, the word "key" is fixed in our lexicon as the definitive term for the act. If yuo must use a key, use a freshly made one, or one yuo've specifically sharpened. No shame in that.
Question: What is your ultimate goal in life?
Answer: The Space Shuttle.
The day I retire is the day I complete my ultimate keying goal - a big, long, wavy scratch all the way down the side of the Space Shuttle. I want to watch NASA TV and hear the countdown announcer say
"T-minus twenty... nineteen... eighteen... pre-ignition sequence for SRBs ... sixteen... ah, camera 3's showing a linear defect in the fuselage ... fourteen... wait - Columbia, we have... awwww, ****! Someone keyed the Space Shuttle! Keyed the ****ing Space Shuttle! Columbia, we're scrubbing the launch! Repeat, scrubbing the launch!"
Then I can retire, and die happy.
Question: Your keying exploits have really inspired me. Do you have any tips for beginners?
Answer: Sure. The first mistake most car keyers make is only bringing keys with them. The protective coatings these days are really, really tough, and only a freshly ground or specifically sharpened key will do it. That's why I recommend having something else on yuor key chain; the Swisstech Utili-Key is an excellent choice - concealable, convenient, and effective - and can also be used for self-defense for the rare occasion when yuo get caught with a keying in progress. Also, the Utili-Key has several different edges, including a serrated, as well as a sharp knifepoint and a broad screwdriver head. If yuo're on a mission and yuo only have unsharpened keys with yuo, find a rock or a piece of glass - these things are far harder than almost any metal, even if they're not as elegant to use. Even a little cube of shattered safety glass can give you a nice, deep scratch. Good luck !
Question: Have you ever keyed a police vehicle?
Answer: Oh yes. It's much, much easier than yuo might think. Cops park often, and when they do, it's usually to do something that requires their attention, e.g. break up a domestic dispute, or snarf down a donut or ten. Also, at a public protest or gathering that requires a lot of police security, there are squad cars parked all over the place, often used as makeshift barriers. ****, it would be hard not to key one in such a compromising position.
Question: Aren't you ashamed that you go about destroying other people's property?
Answer: It's not really 'their' property, at least not after it's been keyed. Because in a way, it'll be mine, too. I'll own it, and when they drive it around town, they'll be working for me - displaying my handiwork on their door panel with every mile they travel. In this sense, I own literally thousands of fine automobiles.
Their ride will me mine until the day they get it repainted. And when they do, I'll be waiting to own it all over again. And again. And again.
Oh, and if yuo ever find a little six-inch line in yuor paint, that wasn't me. When I key yuor car, yuo'll know it.
Question: Is there any type of car that you haven't keyed?
Answer: I'm really ashamed to admit this, but I've never keyed a limo. I hope you won't look too badly on this omission, and I hope to key one soon. The problem with limos is that they don't park for very long; their whole raison d'etre is moving people around, and they stay very busy. The only times you'll find them stationary is in the limo company's lot (which is usually guarded) or at the airport (which is really ****ing guarded). But no car is truly safe from me, and you can expect a limo scratching in a future report. Thanks for writing.
Question: Do you earn money from your keying activities?
Answer: No. Although I'm a 'professional' keyer of cars, I'm only a 'professional' in the artistic sense. I did consider setting up an arrangement with bodyshops everywhere where I would receive $50 kickbacks for every automobile that came to their shop carrying my signature (and my handiwork is like a signature, it's truly unique) Although such an arrangement would have made incredibly rich, I declined not to do so, because it would have made what I do, un-pure.
It's not about money, or about being rich - it's about keying cars.
Question: You really are a ****ing asshole, and when someone catches you, they're going to beat the living **** out of you. Do you really think you're going to get away with this for ever?
Answer: Whom are they going to beat? By the time they find my artwork scrawled into their hood, I'll be relaxing in a nearby cafe, anonymously enjoying their enraged freakout. Hmmm... I'm guessing yuor ride is among the forty or so cars I keyed up last night, and now yuo're just a little bitter? Well, relax. It's not personal. It's not about yuo. It's about yuor car and my key. Not to be rude, but stay out of it, okay? Yuor job is to drive yuor car and have it repainted once a month; my job is to key it. I think that's a fair division of labor.
Question: This is the LAMEST excuse for a website, what the **** is wrong with you? Do you seriously spend your time trawling the streets looking for cars to key? and for what? ****ing asshole!
Answer: Look, when I key yuor car - and I will - don't take it personally. I mean, it's not like I actually know yuo or anything. It's not about yuo. It's about me, and my love of keying up a nice paint job. I'm not sure which I enjoy more - the sense of accomplishment when I finish ripping yuor door panel, step back, and say to myself, "Hey, I did that - nice job!"; or, hearing yuor howls of outrage echo through the parking deck when yuo return to find my handiwork. But either way, it has nothing to do with yuo as a person. So after yuor initial fury and sense of violation, move past it and get the damn thing repainted. Because I'll be waiting to do it all over again.
Question: You're a real artist. Have you ever considered opening up a gallery and displaying all your keying pictures?
Answer: Thank yuo for yuor appreciation. Yuo know, it's every artist's dream to have their work in a museum, but for me, every parking lot in America is like a branch of the Car Key Boi National Gallery.
Question: Do you look out for people who park in handicapped spaces, then get out of the car and walk inside when there is obviously nothing wrong with them? I want to slap the **** out of people who do that. Someone who is actually handicapped might need that space. I consider handicapped to be in a wheelchair or on crutches, not someone who has a bunion on their big toe.
Answer: If there's a handicapped tag, I'll leave it alone. The exception is if the person who gets out of the car is, as yuo say, clearly not handicapped. There's a surprising amount of cheating - people getting handicapped tags who don't need them, just to score the primo parking spaces. When I observe this, I break out my best keying tools and go berserk on their cars - key both sides AND the hood. Almost always, passer-bys look at me in a solemn, nodding satisfaction as I work.
