Ambrose Ackroyd
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Rio Ferdinand pleases injury fans by aiming for minimum fitness
Rio Ferdinand has announced that he plans to return to injury within six weeks. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Manchester United defender said that he had “no intention” of staying away from the sidelines for any longer than is necessary.
Injury fans have responded positively. Alabaster Quicksand-Smythe, from Salford, said “as a fan of metatorsal and spinal injuries in particular, I’m absolutely delighted that Rio has signalled his intentions in such a clear manner. Too many footballers these days are overly concerned with fitness and being on the pitch playing the game, but Rio has been an ambassador for bodily harm over the last few years, and I’m over the moon that he’ll soon be back on the physio’s table.”
Groin injury fan Cruickshanks Nezbrun said that he was really hoping Ferdinand would be out of action soon: “I can’t wait for him to get a groin injury again,” he beamed. “The great thing about Rio is that he does exactly what he says he’s going to do – if Rio says he’s going to be injured, then he will be. Personally, I’d love to see him stretchered off with a strained groin – I mean, the ultimate dream would be a hernia – but the groin will make my day.”
Sources close to Ferdinand say that he is “absolutely devastated” to be back to full fitness, with some suggesting that he has already set his Sky Plus to record Bargain Hunt and Place in the Sun: Home or Away, featuring his favourite bit of large breasted totty, Jasmine Harman.
“He’s going to miss Jasmine,” said a close friend of Ferdinand. “Thank God for Sky Plus, though. Playing football is not what Rio intended for his career – he’s established quite a routine during his injuries, including a four-hour bout of Football Manager in the morning with cornflakes – did you know he’s taken Luton Town back up to the Premiership? – Bargain Hunt, Place in the Sun, then a couple of pieces of toast for dinner and then some box set DVDs of CSI.
“Football’s just going to ruin this. Rio’s desperate to return to the couch.”
Sources within the club have assured injury fans that Ferdinand is on an intensive training schedule designed to return him to minimum fitness. Coach Louis Catastrophe reassured injury fans by detailing the hectic schedule that he has designed for the centre-half, which involves two-footed tackles from teammates, heading the crossbar and replacing the football with a medicine ball at an inappropriate moment.
Rio Ferdinand has announced that he plans to return to injury within six weeks. Speaking at a press conference yesterday, the Manchester United defender said that he had “no intention” of staying away from the sidelines for any longer than is necessary.
Injury fans have responded positively. Alabaster Quicksand-Smythe, from Salford, said “as a fan of metatorsal and spinal injuries in particular, I’m absolutely delighted that Rio has signalled his intentions in such a clear manner. Too many footballers these days are overly concerned with fitness and being on the pitch playing the game, but Rio has been an ambassador for bodily harm over the last few years, and I’m over the moon that he’ll soon be back on the physio’s table.”
Groin injury fan Cruickshanks Nezbrun said that he was really hoping Ferdinand would be out of action soon: “I can’t wait for him to get a groin injury again,” he beamed. “The great thing about Rio is that he does exactly what he says he’s going to do – if Rio says he’s going to be injured, then he will be. Personally, I’d love to see him stretchered off with a strained groin – I mean, the ultimate dream would be a hernia – but the groin will make my day.”
Sources close to Ferdinand say that he is “absolutely devastated” to be back to full fitness, with some suggesting that he has already set his Sky Plus to record Bargain Hunt and Place in the Sun: Home or Away, featuring his favourite bit of large breasted totty, Jasmine Harman.
“He’s going to miss Jasmine,” said a close friend of Ferdinand. “Thank God for Sky Plus, though. Playing football is not what Rio intended for his career – he’s established quite a routine during his injuries, including a four-hour bout of Football Manager in the morning with cornflakes – did you know he’s taken Luton Town back up to the Premiership? – Bargain Hunt, Place in the Sun, then a couple of pieces of toast for dinner and then some box set DVDs of CSI.
“Football’s just going to ruin this. Rio’s desperate to return to the couch.”
Sources within the club have assured injury fans that Ferdinand is on an intensive training schedule designed to return him to minimum fitness. Coach Louis Catastrophe reassured injury fans by detailing the hectic schedule that he has designed for the centre-half, which involves two-footed tackles from teammates, heading the crossbar and replacing the football with a medicine ball at an inappropriate moment.
